The Past, the Present…. the Future….

I know many people are in worse situations than me and it has never been my intention to invalidate those experiences… I’ve been afraid of being totally honest about how I’ve felt… I don’t want people to just interact with my stuff because of some sort of pseudo-obligation or because my posts made them feel a certain way…

It’d make me feel terrible….

So... it’s coming up to the first year anniversary of when I started this attempt at full-time game development. Sometimes I felt like I made a lot progress. Most of the time, not so much.

It’s mainly just been me, and (embarrassingly enough) a few family members checking grammar or giving some feedback on the visuals. My mom often complained that my backgrounds were too blurry, and if there was a problem with my vision…. To be honest, I never really felt like my artistic capabilities were good enough, so I tried to make up for it with the storytelling. I really appreciate all the kind and constructive comments I got about my projects (especially recently on ‘Lone Wolf Nano’💖), and really regret not trying to reach out sooner (and in a healthier way...) to see what people actually thought...

I turn 26 the day after Christmas. I’ve technically been unemployed for a year now… this hasn’t really been something of a business, just an all-consuming personal passion. It’s made me feel like a kind of parasite on those around me, especially my family. The only times I made money from this was during the 2022 Queer Games Bundle in June and through a couple of donations from real-life friends (which I still kinda feel guilty about...). I have been trying to apply to some companies here and there over the course of the year, but whether because of where I’ve been searching, my ‘style’, or the need for prior professional experience, nothing’s come of it so far...

Almost one year ago, I was still working at the guest services of a certain local amusement park. The fear that I’d be spending the rest of my life there was the reason didn’t return this year, and tried to pursue something I felt could actually give my life a sense of purpose…. But the ups in this roller-coaster ride have been becoming fewer and farther between.

Mid-October was an especially bad time.… I started really contemplating this purpose…

There are so many amazing and creative people out there who have been able to make something of their work…. I look up to them, then start to feel inadequate in comparison, and eventually…. I’m overcome with this terrible sense that I’ll never get to that point in my own life…. I’ve been feeling more and more that I’m just not good enough at any of this, and that I never will be….

There’s not much that can be done about all this, or that’s how I’ve felt… I’m sorry for this kind of update. If anything, I’m afraid this could be like the final nail in the coffin of whatever future in game development I could’ve had… But I wanted to finally put all my cards on the table. If I completely give up on all this, or myself in general, it’s all on me… I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I probably still continue to…

I’m sorry if I never get to finish these stories...